Grief is a personal thing. As for me, I gain comfort by writing down what I feel. I won’t share everything I’ve been writing in the wake of Diesel’s death because I prefer to spread joy rather than tears. Just the same it has brought up some parenting concerns that are worth sharing.
To begin with, whenever I have experienced grief in the past, I would curl up in the fetal position, cry as much as I needed to, and allow myself to wallow until I came to the surface naturally. This was my way.
Nowadays, if tragedy strikes, I have a one year old who doesn’t understand such things, who absorbs my emotions, and who is thrown completely off course when she loses her compass: me.
Instead I’ve had to adopt more of a ‘fake it till you make it’ mentality on the surface. Maybe I still curl up on the couch when I do, but rather than pouring salt on the wound, I'm watching the funniest thing I can find on Netflix. I'd rather not have her witness me watching a lot of TV, but I do think it’s better than letting her see me falling completely apart.
I still need to cry, and to grieve, but it’s a darn sight more controlled that it would have been in my pre-mummy days.
Somehow this feels healthier. I’m not hiding my sadness, I’m just actively working past it in a way I’ve never done before. I’m focusing on happiness rather than wallowing in the inevitable depression that comes with loss.
It has also got me thinking, what if Evening was a few years older? We aren’t ever going to be a pet-free household and that means that at some point, Evening will experience the loss of a pet. How will I deal with that?
Despite being raised in a religious household, my parents did not believe that animals have the same after-death hope as humans were offered. When our pets died, they simply ceased to exist altogether.
…which seems a little harsh for a kid to comprehend.
I refuse to lie about it. I honestly think that makes it harder on children and confuses them. I remember exactly what my childhood friends thought of the whole ‘going to live on a farm’ routine, and it wasn’t pretty.
This time, I found that I was profoundly comforted by the idea that Diesel was gone, and despite his violent end, he wasn’t in pain and suffering from his own demise, he was gone. The pain was mine. His afterlife really is in my heart, where he is still purring, mewing at me in his unique voice, tripping me up to let me know I’m running late with his dinner, blinking lazily, curling his toes in the hope that I will cuddle with him, and running joyfully to me when he realizes that I’ve entered the room.
If you live in enough hearts, you might even have nine lives.
For now, I think that is what I'll be telling Evening.
It IS so hard to show that your are grieving when your children are around. You should not feel that you need to hide it though. Greif is a very real part of life. It is an expression that needs to be shared and understood, regardless of how little your little ones are. We cannot put aside the thought that dispite their young age, they do not sense the loss themselves. Even if it is for a short time (they do bounce back much quicker than we do), they have noticed the change in their home or family. Openly expressing your sadness teaches your little ones that it is ok to be sad and it also teaches them that dispite the sadness there can still be joy and recovery after. I find it hard to cry openly in front of the kids, but there has always been a time when I have had to allow myself a good cry, even when they are buzzing around me. They are able to offer a kind of compassion that you would never expect and it gives me the chance to talk about sadness and loss with them. Even my littlist one. It is also a time to instill your family beliefs in your little one.
ReplyDeleteYou need to be able to grieve in your own way, that is your path to healing. It will teach your litte one that she can greive in her own way and that she will heal too. Don't be afraid to curl up for your cry and take your time to say good bye in your own way.
I wish for your family comfort and peace in the wake of Diesle's passing. Even our smallest friends can take up the biggest parts of our hearts. I personally believe that we are all God's creatures and that there is a place for all of us when our time comes to leave this world.
*HUGS*
I apologize, for I must have written this post badly, as I was trying to express "I’m not hiding my sadness, I’m just actively working past it in a way I’ve never done before" as I had written. Hiding sadness is unnatural and can lead to many health concerns - I certainly do not advocate such a thing. I have cried in front of Evening many times, what I am saying is that the disconnecting from all others and wallowing is what I deem unhealthy for her, as she requires a parent that is present and attentive to her needs.
DeleteThanks for the hug and peaceful wishes!
Not badly written in any way. Was not implying that in any way.......
DeleteJust want to encourage you to do it your way so your soul can heal the way you need it to.
don't worry - I always do <3
Delete"If you live in enough hearts, you might even have nine lives." Beautifully said, what a wonderful way to teach her. Evening is a lucky girl!
ReplyDeletethanks Astrid - I liked that line myself
Delete"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." Will Rogers, 1897-1935
ReplyDeleteI don't know what happens to dogs when they pass away, but I do believe that if God gives us good things on earth (such as our animal friends), He will not fail to give us good things in heaven too.
More (((hugs)))
I like that Will Rogers' style.
DeleteThank you Susan!
I was touched by your post and also by the responses I read. Having been a teacher of young children, there were many times that I pondered this question. It restores my faith in humanity to hear such compassion from you and other mothers. As for teaching your little ones about death and grief, I remembered some children's books on the very topic. "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf" is a simple book that discusses life and death as natural occurring things in all of our lives. I cry when I read it still. There's another, I think by Judith Viorst, written for elementary age children. "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney" is about the loss of a pet. You might want to visit the library and read them right now. Once Evening is a little older, I think you'd enjoy sharing these books with her. As you said, there will be other cats and there will be other losses in your lives. We all learn this, some earlier than others. One more is entitled "Beyond the Ridge" and deals with loss from a Native American point of view. I don't remember the tribe but I do remember that a friend recommended it when my dad died of a sudden massive heart attack. It was comforting to me and helped me spiritually. I don't think I own these any more. Once I quit teaching I gave away a huge part of my collection. I do think you can find them in a library though. Anyway, to all of you wonderful mothers including Jenn, keep doing what you do. I am so glad you have this venue to share the tenderness and love you have for your children. It's a gift for me to be able to "listen" in.
ReplyDeletewow, Lou Anne, thank you so much for recommending those books! I will find them for sure - I particularly like the suggestion for 'Beyond the Ridge' as I do want to expose Evening to many different ideas in her life (my degree is in anthropology). I am sorry to hear about your loss. Again, thank you so much for sharing these with me.
DeleteI understand that balance of grieving the way you need to and being strong for your children. Some kids do better than others and you'll figure out what looks right for your family. I'll never forget the first time my kids saw me cry. They were so shocked but it helped them understand that Mommy is a person too, with real concerns, frustrations, sadness, and feelings. (They were a little older than Evening is, though). Hope the pain of losing your kitty is easing up some as you can remember all the happy times with him.
ReplyDelete